The second part of your question asks if gossiping is an indication of a deeper problem. Usually when a person focuses on the negatives or misfortunes of someone else’s life, it is a good indication that she is avoiding problems of her own. When Jesus talks about judging in Matthew 7:1-5, he is referring to this very issue. He says: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay not attention to the plank in your own eye? ” In other words, if we focus on someone else’s problem, it could be that we have an even bigger one that needs attention. Because we don’t want to recognize the enormity of our own weaknesses, faults or problems, we take the focus off ourselves and pick on the smaller ones in others to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. It helps us to feel superior to cover up for our own feelings of inferiority or jealousy. Perhaps your friend grew up in an environment where there was a lot of criticism or unrealistic expectations that she does not feel able to live up to and as a result does not have a healthy view of herself. She may be in an unhappy situation or have circumstances in her life she wishes were different but feels she has no control to change them. By talking about others, she can vent her frustrations with their lives and prevent her from dealing with her own anxieties. The root of a lot of gossip is jealousy, wanting to find something wrong withpeople who have it better than we do. It makes us feel good to know that their advantages don’t exempt them from problems. Perhaps if we shame them, what they posses won’t look as good.

Regardless of the reasons behind your friend’s gossip problem, God offers freedom from the trap of gossip. As we mature in our walk with our Lord, we grow in His grace and are able to say, “I would rather boast about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (II Corinthians 12:10) It feels far more rewarding to admit our weaknesses, faults and problems and to recognize God’s power and grace over them, than to wear a false sense of power that doesn’t even last until the next opportunity to gossip. Perhaps as you set an example for your friend, she will want the same freedom and will ask God to show her how to solve her own problems

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A: This is an excellent question in terms of how it is worded because you distinguish between the “feeling” of guilt and the state of “being” guilty. Feeling guilt is not necessarily an indication of whether you are actually guilty. Many people feel guilty for no apparent wrong and as you say, “obsess” over actions, attitudes and “shoulds” that have no grounds for such self-incrimination. Yet there are others, who live with unconfessed sin in their lives, that don’t feel guilt at all. The latter somehow have rationalized their behaviors, or hardened their hearts to the Holy Spirit, so that they can live with themselves without paying the penalty or consequences of their sin. Of course, sin will in the long run catch up with them but, in the meantime, they seem to be without the ensuing emotional duress that comes with acknowledgement. Why do some people feel guiltier than others do and often for no apparent reason? Let me share a few statements about the difference between true and false guilt before answering your question.

Webster defines guilt both ways: as “the act or state of having done a wrong or committed an offense” and as “a painful feeling of self-reproach resulting from a belief that one has done something wrong or immoral.” True guilt is the result of being under conviction for some actual wrong. False guilt, however, is the feeling of guilt without the ability to attach the feeling to any specific wrong. True guilt is the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives to bring us to an awareness of God’s truth and our need for repentance. False guilt is Satan’s way of keeping us in bondage to works and performance so that God’s grace is shielded from us. Both true and false guilt can be crippling if not dealt with, the former through repentance and the later by introspection.

People who obsess or ruminate about events or thoughts that are not linked to wrong usually have learned through experience that they are not worthy of forgiveness or are inadequate in meeting the expectations of God and others. This may be because of abuse from their past that has left them feeling dirty or shameful about themselves or because of neglect, whether physical or emotional, whereby they learned that they were not good enough to deserve to have their needs or desires met. Obsessing is a way to divert the pain from an emotional to a cognitive level. By obsessing, they can keep a running history of their shortcomings without actually having to deal with their feelings of inadequacy or sense of shame that pervades their being. Obsessing also keeps them detached from the real reason for their feelings of guilt. Satan wants to delude us from seeing the truth about ourselves, which is in fact that we are sinners in need of a Savior. Ruminating can be a smokescreen from seeing the areas of our lives that truly need to be confessed.

The only way to tell which is “true” and which is “false” is by opening our hearts to God’s truth as revealed in His word and through Godly counsel. It isn’t enough to blindly ask for forgiveness without having a specific instance for which to be forgiven, and also without truly recognizing the severity of our transgressions against God. Confession involves seeing our behavior or thoughts as in direct contradiction to God’s holiness, having a willingness to be cleansed from the sins and being committed to not repeating them. Only when we lay ourselves bare before God are we able to see our shame. If we are truly repentant before Him and yet are haunted by lingering feelings of guilt then we may need to talk with someone who can help us to examine the source of our guilt. By exploring the seeds of false guilt we will have the opportunity to receive God’s grace and find peace of mind. I encourage you to call our Center to talk with someone who can help lead you to that road to freedom.

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A: Compulsive behavior can be confused with addiction because both involve repetitive behaviors and feelings of being out of control. A compulsive behavior is any irresistible, repeated, irrational impulse to perform some act. For something to be called an addiction, however, there must be a change in brain chemistry that causes the body to depend on that substance or behavior. An addictive behavior such as gambling or sex causes a “high” as pleasure hormones are released that then cause a neuro-chemical change in the brain. The body starts to depend on these hormones to feel good and/or escape its normal feeling state, whether positive or negative. The body starts to crave the hormone in order to get through a routine day and/or to cope with a difficult situation.
Very few people start out as addicts. One could argue that some people are predisposed to addiction because of their chemical make-up. However, the form or method of the addiction is a learned behavior brought about by influences from the environment. Addiction occurs over time as the body begins to tolerate the neuro-chemical changes that occur and, therefore, to depend on more and more of the substance or behavior in order to maintain the same level of satisfaction.

The need to keep an orderly house can be compulsive when it replaces a person’s ability to relax, deal with uncomfortable or threatening circumstances or share emotions and thoughts. The uncomfortable or threatening circumstances could be feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness associated with not having everything in order. They could also be common everyday experiences that trigger a past traumatic event that is associated with pain or discomfort. The compulsive behavior becomes a way to avoid feeling those negative emotions. Either way, the emotions feel too overwhelming or powerful and the compulsive behavior serves as a numbing agent to keep one from feeling. Most compulsive behaviors are not conscious decisions to act in a certain way. The feelings that are being avoided are repressed or suppressed and, therefore, do not surface until they are brought to attention in some way.

The fact that you are asking the question would indicate that someone may have told you that your standard of orderliness may be too high. Or perhaps you may be experiencing negative emotions; such as loneliness or boredom for not having enough people or fun in your life, or frustration toward people who are keeping you from maintaining that standard. Now that you are aware of the behavior you are in a position to do something about it. You may want to start by keeping a journal of your activity level in regards to orderliness and your thoughts and feelings at each time. You may see a pattern that will give you insight into what is motivating the behavior. However, if you begin to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed, you will want to talk with someone who can help you understand the deeper issues that are involved. Christian Counseling Ministries would be happy to help you work through your confusion and struggle. If you are unsure after reading this article that you have a problem, we would encourage you to talk with a pastor or trusted friend who could help you identify whether or not you need outside help.

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Note: These principles may not make sense to you without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If you would like to learn more about how to make God real in your life, you may contact CCM at (716) 632-3200.

Would you like to submit a question you may have about a particular problem you are having in your life? Or do you know someone else who is struggling with an issue that you would like to help and don’t know how?

Mail your questions to:
“What’s Up, Doc?” c/o Christian Counseling Ministries, 810 Union Road, W. Seneca, NY 14224

Or, use our contact us form and use “What’s Up, Doc?” in the subject line.

Please note: Every question received may not be answered. We will attempt to choose relevant questions that will be most helpful to our readers. Questions do not need to be signed and will remain the property of CCM.

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A: Depending on how much of a perfectionist you are will determine how much work it would take to change your behavior. Perfectionism has been used loosely to describe any behavior that strives for order, accuracy and/or excellence. Some people are by nature more attuned to detail and prefer to do tasks in an orderly fashion, but are not necessarily perfectionists. The degree to which a person pursues or demands things around him/her to be “perfect” is the defining factor in perfectionism.

A true perfectionist is characterized by extreme or obsessive striving for absolute precision, correctness, completeness, flawlessness or purity. Usually he/she will spend countless hours planning, executing and surveying a task, often to the point of missing deadlines or to never submitting the task at all. Sometimes a person can be so bogged down by the enormity of a task that he/she worries, ruminates and stresses over it, often robbing him/herself of creativity, sound judgement, relationship and certainly, enjoyment. Perfectionists can be hard, not only on themselves, but on others as well. The extremely high standards can be so important to them that they will expect the same performance of the people with whom they live, work and play. They are often very opinionated, critical, judgmental, uncompromising and demanding. Needless to say, it is difficult to please a perfectionist.

The roots of perfectionism are found in childhood events and/or experiences that have caused feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness when things were not done in an expected way. Sometimes parents put expectations on their children to accomplish a task before the child has the developmental or physical maturity to meet those expectations. Other times parents may want things done in a certain way without regard for differences in perception, ability and creativity. What looks complete or satisfactory to a child may not be complete or satisfactory to an adult. Children then internalize messages that they are not good enough, smart enough or capable of doing well unless they work harder or do better. Teachers can pass on these same messages to their students by the way they respond to performance in school.

There are also less obvious ways that children develop unrealistic expectations of themselves that may fuel perfectionism. Children who have been forced to take adult roles in their young lives such as being caretakers for sick or alcoholic parents or younger siblings, learn to push past their own needs and take on responsibilities for which they are not maturationally prepared. As a result, they feel tremendously anxious and over-whelmed but function on the surface as if they are unaffected. As adults, they continue to perform with the same level of intensity, often unaware of the underlying feelings of anxiety and inadequacy they felt as children. The perfectionism becomes both an attempt to feel good about themselves and a means of averting the anxiety toward a flurry of activity that keeps them from feeling the former pain. Children, who are physically or emotionally neglected or abused in some way, may grow up with similar internal dynamics, relentlessly pursuing perfection to gain attention, recognition, value and/or an attempt to ward of guilt. Unless these underlying issues are dealt with in some way, it is difficult to break through the perfectionistic behavior.

In order to change, it will be necessary to come to terms with some of the issues from the past that may be causing the behavior by reading books on the topic and talking with a counselor. There a good possibility that your perfectionism has carried over into your relationship with God as well, causing you to feel unworthy of His love and acceptance. If this is the case, I encourage you to get help in order to free you to have a more honest and satisfying relationship with the only One who can truly transform your mind and heart.

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Note: These principles may not make sense to you without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If you would like to learn more about how to make God real in your life, you may contact CCM at (716) 632-3200.

Would you like to submit a question you may have about a particular problem you are having in your life? Or do you know someone else who is struggling with an issue that you would like to help and don’t know how?

Mail your questions to:
“What’s Up, Doc?” c/o Christian Counseling Ministries, 810 Union Road, W. Seneca, NY 14224

Or, use our contact us form and use “What’s Up, Doc?” in the subject line.

Please note: Every question received may not be answered. We will attempt to choose relevant questions that will be most helpful to our readers. Questions do not need to be signed and will remain the property of CCM.

Have a question of your own?
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